In sitting down and
tape recording myself speaking about anything that came to mind, a lot of
unconscious thoughts about myself were revealed. I noticed myself speaking of
things that I normally wouldn’t have. For instance, I spoke of God, death, and
negative things about my friends. I also said a lot of stuff that really made no
sense at all. An exact piece of what I recorded myself saying was, “I don’t
care. That’s just the way I am. I don’t give a shit. It’s like… I don’t know.
Die. Maybe God will. Yeah… maybe. Ha. Butterflies. Stand on walls, do that
dance. Yeah… Buddy’s cool. Stop. No. Eva. Duh. She’s… so fucking stupid. Ugh.
Drink. Yeah right. Who cares? It’s little.”
I have to admit. Those
were some pretty strange lines I was saying on that tape recorder. Some of which
I might indeed know where they came from. Let’s begin at the start of the tape
when I began with, “I don’t care. That’s just the way I am. I don’t give a
shit.” This attitude of mine occurs quite frequent. If I were Freud, I would
probably interpret this as to how I really feel about things. I in fact do have
an “I don’t care” attitude more times than none, but I didn’t realize the
severity of it till I heard this tape of myself. Aside from my schoolwork,
rarely do I care about much. I never care about what people think of me or what
other people do.
In the next segment, I said, “It’s like… I don’t know. Die.
Maybe God will. Yeah… maybe.” I think here Freud would suggest that I was
feeling lost and helpless and wishing for either an easy way out or help. This
is very true. Many times I’ve thought that dying would help to solve all my
problems and make things all better. Shortly after, I realized that it wouldn’t.
Things would actually get worse. If I were to ever commit suicide, it would be
against God’s will and He will instantly reincarnate me into a newborn, who
later in life will have to deal with the exact same problem which I ran away
from earlier in the previous life.
The next segment included, “Ha.
Butterflies. Stand on walls, do that dance. Yeah… Buddy’s cool.” This was to me
very jumbled. In this piece, I would have to say that Freud would say that
unconsciously, there was a link between a butterfly and me. To my knowledge, I
cannot recollect where I would have a tie with butterflies. The part about
standing on walls and doing that dance, I would say had something to do with my
dream of being a dancer and a stuntwoman. All my life I dreamed of doing these
things, but I was never the right size. I was always too heavy and
overweight to do many of the things I dreamed of doing.
In the last part, I
said, “Yeah… Buddy’s cool. Stop. No. Eva. Duh. She’s… so fucking stupid. Ugh.
Drink. Yeah right. Who cares? It’s little.” Buddy is my cat. He is like a baby
to me and I’m like his mother. Eva is a friend of mine. She is a bit ditzy and
does not have direction in her life. All she ever wants to do is smoke, drink,
do drugs, and go clubbing. The part about Eva being stupid, I think Freud would
explain that as how I really do feel about her. Although she is my friend, I
never realized that the reason for me always being so sarcastic to her is
because I couldn’t stand the fact that she is so irresponsible and uneducated.
In doing this little project, I learned to interpret my subconscious
behaviors into meaningful thoughts. Although they may have sounded dumb and
ludicrous, I have realized that there really is meaning behind them. Had I done
this prior to studying Freud, I would never have been able to understand the
fact that we actually do think when we aren’t even aware of it, and that there
actually is meaning to our unconscious thoughts.